How to survive wedding season with c-ptsd

By Karina Westrick, LPCC

Wedding season is officially upon us. According to The Knot, 25% of weddings occur between June and August, with things ramping up even more during the fall, with 42% of couples marrying in September and October. You’ve likely experienced opening your mailbox to a glossy save-the-date featuring a happy couple smiling out at you. If this leads to a surge of anxiety, it might mean something from your past is being triggered. Weddings mean cocktail dresses and heels, champagne, cake, and dancing. While this may sound fun to a lot of people, these social functions can be a nightmare for people recovering from complex trauma.

 Complex Trauma

 Let’s define trauma--it can look like a single terrible event, such as an accident or assault, or an ongoing life circumstance, such as experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV). It can also include emotional abuse and neglect, such as being raised in an invalidating environment, having stifled self-expression and creativity, feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations, or not having many opportunities. It’s important to acknowledge that trauma is deeply personal; what may seem trivial to one person can be profoundly distressing to another. Further, trauma can occur from these things happening to you, or even just watching it happen to those in your circle. Most people have experienced trauma at one point or another.

 Experiencing these difficult events can result in a formal trauma- or stressor-related disorder.  Mental health providers distinguish between post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD). According to the 11th version of  the World Health Organization’s International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11), both disorders are characterized by symptoms of re-experiencing the trauma in the present moment, a pervasive sense of being under threat, and avoidance of trauma reminders.

 In addition to these, cPTSD also includes difficulties with affect regulation, an impaired sense of self, and trouble forming healthy relationships. cPTSD is more likely to result from repeated or prolonged trauma exposure occurring during childhood or early adulthood. cPTSD is often associated with trauma that is interpersonal in nature, such as emotional abuse or neglect. It’s not unusual for complex trauma survivors to also struggle with eating or substance use disorders.

Complex trauma and wedding season

There are many reasons why being invited to a wedding poses challenges to complex trauma survivors. Weddings often mean seeing relatives, which could equate to being in the same room as someone who has hurt you in the past. But the obstacles might not always be so blatant. Given that many people with cPTSD experienced interpersonal trauma, even mildly stressful interactions with neutral others can be triggering. For example, if you were continually discouraged from sharing your thoughts and viewpoints as a child, you may grow up to be an adult who feels intensely anxious to share about yourself with others. It makes sense that it would be extremely stressful to make small talk at a reception table full of strangers.

People grappling with complex trauma often develop ways of coping with their circumstances, but these ways of coping may not be so helpful in outside environments. For example, many people quell their anxiety by eating or forgoing eating. When someone has an eating disorder, the simple act of eating a meal can be very difficult, especially in an unpredictable environment like a wedding. Others may cope with their anxiety by drinking alcohol. This can also become challenging at a formal event (especially one with an open bar), where over-imbibing can lead to embarrassment and remorse.

Ultimately, even the concepts underlying the nuptials may be triggers for cPTSD. Weddings are about love, unity, and family, and these concepts are often eulogized in ceremonies and speeches. Let’s be real, while there may be some talk of “for better or worse, for rich or for poor,” the challenges of life are often not the focus of these events. For those coming from dysfunctional backgrounds, the spirit of the wedding can lead to intense feelings of isolation or grief.

Surviving wedding season

Although it may seem difficult, it is possible to survive, and maybe even enjoy, attending weddings. Below are some tips to review with your therapist to develop a plan:

1.     Just say no. Yes, you can choose to opt out of a wedding. Especially if you know someone who has hurt you will be attending, this could be the safest option. Trauma survivor and blogger Joy Jamison shared- “Attending weddings with a fake smile while screaming on the inside was torture I couldn’t endure.” If this resonates with you, you can always send the couple a gift to still be a part of their special day.

2.     Use your coping skills. I love to teach my clients breathing exercises because they are such a powerful tool for managing anxiety and can be used anywhere, anytime. You can always step aside from the festivities and take a few minutes to breathe. Simply tracking how many seconds per inhale and trying to make the exhale twice as long can be very calming. Ultimately, learn what works best for you before the event and give yourself time to practice.

3.     Choose a good plus one. Bringing a supportive person with you to the wedding can help if things start to feel overwhelming. This person can pull you away from a conversation that’s making you uncomfortable or join you on a breathing break. If you can’t bring someone with, it can always be helpful to have someone to call or text if the going gets rough.

4.     Have an exit plan. Knowing you have the freedom to leave whenever you want can allay a lot of anxiety before the event. It can be helpful to drive your own car or plan another form of transportation that isn’t necessarily dependent on the people with you’re with. That way if things become overwhelming or if someone crosses a boundary, you are able to leave right away.

If the sight of the wedding invitation on your fridge is making you lose your appetite, you are not alone. Although weddings are intended to be joyous occasions, they can sometimes end up feeling like torture for people who have experienced interpersonal trauma. I hope you feel empowered to make choices that are authentic and facilitate your unique healing journey this year.