The Childfree as Traumatized Stereotype
By Karina Westrick
Growing up in a fundamentalist sect of Christianity, I observed many miserable mothers. These women, bound by a community that adhered rigidly to the biblical command to “be fruitful and multiply,” often had pregnancies relentlessly throughout their childbearing years. It was not uncommon for these women to end up with children numbering in the double digits. And as I got older, I couldn’t help but notice that they were physically and emotionally depleted. Many of them seemed to derive little joy from their children or the act of parenting itself.
As I approached adolescence, the expectation that I would follow in their footsteps loomed large. When I was 12, I was told that I didn’t need to continue my homeschool studies, because I had all the basic knowledge needed to be a stay-at-home mom. I was encouraged to spend my time caring for my younger siblings instead of pursuing a middle school-level of education. Even at that young age, this didn’t vibe well with me! I learned to balance my household responsibilities with self-directed learning, immersing myself in textbooks and literature whenever I could.
Eventually, I gained admittance to a community college, and later earned advanced degrees in psychology and counseling. Reflecting on my childhood, I can now fully appreciate the immense challenges my peers and I faced within that restrictive environment. Today, I’m a therapist and member of the childfree-by-choice community. Although it fits a common stereotype of childfree people, I would be lying if I said my childhood trauma hasn’t impacted my reproductive decisions. So, is there truth to this stereotype?
Trauma
Let’s first delve deeper into the realm of trauma. It’s not necessarily confined to a single terrible event, such as an accident or assault. Trauma can be a result of ongoing circumstances, like the environment of my childhood community. It’s important to acknowledge that trauma is deeply personal; what may seem trivial to one person can be profoundly distressing to another. Being raised in an invalidating environment, having stifled self-expression and creativity, feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations, or not having many opportunities can all be traumatic experiences. Further, trauma can occur from these things happening to you, or even just watching it happen to those in your circle.
What are some of the impacts of trauma? In some cases, trauma can result in a formal diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), characterized by symptoms like jumpiness, flashbacks, nightmares, and difficulty trusting others. For those who have experienced ongoing trauma, particularly during formative years, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD) may result. This syndrome may have a less dramatic presentation than PTSD, but the pervasive anxiety and difficulty forming healthy relationships experienced by many survivors can be debilitating.
Trauma can also result in non-PTSD mental health challenges as the survivor attempts to navigate the world, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and substance use disorders. In fact, recent studies show that the majority of those struggling with opioid addiction have trauma histories. Trauma can impact physical health as well, and has been associated with cardiovascular conditions, gastritis, ulcers, and arthritis. It is important for trauma to be treated to prevent complications and to help survivors thrive.
Childfree Lifestyle
How does this fit into the discourse around a childfree lifestyle? Childfree people are no strangers to stereotypes. For example, childfree people are often seen as lazy and selfish—they want to spend all their time on themselves instead of making the sacrifices of parenthood. Childfree people are seen as immature—they aren’t as responsible or emotionally capable as their parenting peers. And a very common stereotype of childfree people is that they must have had a traumatic, or at least unpleasant, childhood. The thinking goes that people who were raised in happy families would of course want to replicate those matching-pajama-Christmas-mornings and lazy road trips to the beach with their own children. And it must be those with a bleak childhood who would avoid having their own family. What does the research say about this stereotype?
Unfortunately, the research on the topic of childhood trauma and later decisions about whether to parent is scant. One study examined decision-making pathways of childfree women by performing interviews and analyzing the content for themes. Freedom of lifestyle, wanting to avoid the disruptions caused by children, and emotional risks were identified as major motivations for women choosing to be childfree. While some participants did touch upon childhood trauma in relation to the emotional risks of motherhood, it wasn’t a prevailing theme. Clearly, much more research is needed to understand the nuances of the childfree population. Longitudinal studies following individuals from childhood to adulthood could provide valuable insights into the interplay of early experiences and later life choices.
Beyond academia, real-life narratives offer a diverse array of reasons for embracing a childfree life. Take the hosts of the popular podcast DinkyPod, Erika and Kristen, for example. Health concerns and disillusionment with the current state of the world feature prominently in their decision, with no traces of childhood trauma influencing their stance. Nevertheless, they lament people often assuming they had a bad childhood. Conversely, writer Gabrielle Moss shares a journey similar to mine, where a tumultuous relationship with a parent steered her away from motherhood. These anecdotes underscore the multifaceted nature of the childfree community; no reason for being childfree is right or wrong.
Embracing Differences
In many ways, the childfree-as-traumatized stereotype makes sense, since childhood trauma can impact our emotional functioning and relationships into adulthood. At the same time, it’s essential to recognize that our decisions are shaped by a multitude of factors. Today, I realize I would not necessarily be raising a child in a fundamentalist sect, and that there are lots of opportunities for support and enrichment for families in the broader community. But I have had a behind-the-scenes glimpse, away from Instagram filters and curated social media posts, into the genuine struggles and unhappiness that many parents face. To say I am childfree only because of these experiences would be reductionistic. Like many childfree people, I’ve deliberated extensively, weighing various considerations. We are complex beings, defying simple labels. No matter how you come to your childfree journey; support and understanding are crucial. Therapy can provide invaluable assistance, whether it’s healing from past traumas or navigating societal expectations.
In the end, the decision to remain childfree is deeply personal, shaped by a tapestry of experiences and aspirations. Join me in embracing the diversity of paths taken and fostering a space of empathy and acceptance.